same old lawyer jokes

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Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.


CLEAN JOKES

Nothing is funnier then a good lawyer joke, unless the joke is your lawyer. Lawyer Jokes help people deal with the frustrations that comes when having dealt with our over growing legal system

Trying to write lawyer jokes is harder then I thought it would be. They are also hard for me to find. For example the lawyer and the genie joke is not my own, I heard it once and I know I read somewhere else, I only hope I do it justice in recalling it; since the rest of the jokes I try to write keep turning out far to hateful, and all ready written, I am going to compile as many as I can find and post them for as long as they'll let me...

Author Unknown,

A business man in the Arabian dessert was lost with his lawyer walking through the sand. Not long until they would find an old dusty oil lamp. The man asked his lawyer what he should do. His lawyer advised him that the value of the lamp will be divided and used to pay a large yet reasonable lawyers fee. The Man rubbed the lamp and to the surprise of both men a huge genie came out with a large cloud of gas and dust.

The genie announced to the man and his attorney: You have three wishes between you to share. Quickly decide and split it however the two of you lowly drifters think is best.

The lawyer advised the man that due to modern unforeseeable liabilities the lawyer would not make any of the 3 wishes however two thirds of what every he wished for would go to separate large yet reasonable legal fee.

The man first wished for A million dollars for himself.

Then all at once the he was carrying a briefcase with a million dollars in it. The lawyer was at the same time suddenly holding a briefcase 3 times as big with 3 million dollars in it, they where both smiling. After a long pause the lawyer advised the man: "what are you waiting for? You should wish for more money. The man said I know but first I need some more legal advice.

The lawyer informed the man that this would eat more into his 2million dollar retainer.

The man asked his lawyer if he would reconsider his rates,

The lawyer said no, that his rates where absolutely fixed.

The man then asked his attorney: should I ask for more money or wish to donate a kidney to science first?

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With the need to write original jokes, collecting jokes will be the main part of this blog. I would also like to talk about Joke Lawyers and especially your joke lawyers. So here is a tip when you comment, title your comment lawyer joke, or joke lawyer. 

Lawyer Jokes that do not help you if spoken in Court.

Q. What does a lawyer have in common with a car with a painted windshield?
A. Vision, because the car may still run once in a while.

Q. How can you tell if your lawyer is screwing you?
A. Because you got a lawyer.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 3, one to do it, one to sew him for screwing it in wrong, and one to help the other file a bar complaint against the complainants lawyer.

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The jokes are from several sources.

Q. What was the cause of an attorney that is buried up to his neck in wet cement?

A. Not enough cement.

Q. What do you call a bar member with an IQ less then 50?

A. Your Honor.

Q. How do you save a drowning attorney?

A. Take your foot off his head.

Q. What's the difference between a good attorney and a bad one?

A. A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years and a good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q. What do you call an automobile accident between 2 attorneys?

A. A duel.

Q. What's the difference between a lady counselor and a pitbull?

A. Lipstick.

Q. What's the difference between a legal adviser and a leech?

A. A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

Q. What's the difference between an attorney on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?

A. A vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q. What's the difference between a Estate practitioner and a vulture?

A. A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.

Q. What's the difference between prepaid legal and a trampoline?

A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. How many can you afford?

Q. How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three one to change the light bulb, one to shake him off the ladder,and one to sue the ladder company.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance,one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents,one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turning their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q. Why don't you ever see public defenders at the beach?

A. Cats keep covering them with sand.

The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of John Cochran on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future bar member?

A. She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

Q. How does an attorney sleep?

A. First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

Q. How many jokes about crappy attorneys are there?

A. Only three. The rest are true stories.

If a Prosecutor and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you couldsave only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A. Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q. What's the difference between an Estate adviser and a vulture?

A. The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q. Why does California have the most bar members in the countrywhile New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?

A. New Jersey got first choice.

Q. What did the injury attorney name his daughter?

A. Sue.

Q. What do you call 25 skydiving Family legal practitioners?

A. Skeet.

Q. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A. Senator.

Q. What do you throw to a drowning defense attorney?

A. His partners.

Q. What does a legal adviser use for birth control?

A. His personality.

Other Jobs

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband haddeveloped a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was sucha good idea.The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"She said that she did.He asked, "Does it hurt you?"She said that it didn't.The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that youshouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as youtake care not to get pregnant."The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"


Satan was building a fence around hell one day when St. Peter saw him and noticed that the fence was on their side a little. Well he requested that the fence be moved and when Satan said no, St. Peter gave him a week to move the fence. A week went by and St. Peter again looked down and saw that the fence had not been moved. So again he calls Satan: ST. PETER: "Look Satan You'll have to move the fence over to your side !"SATAN: "I built the fence to keep my people in, and I ain't gonna move it one inch."ST. PETER: "Then you leave me no choice, I'll have to sue you!"SATAN: "Where do you think you'll get a lawyer ?"

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